Funny diet stories
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents. At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt. The result: the soul-crunching sound of both bags crashing to the sidewalk. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. Two women came to my photo studio to have their portrait taken. Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These. As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. More: Computer Jokes, Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address, and the message goes to a recent widow. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. I told her she needed to say it again in a nicer way—so she repeated it with a British accent. While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. I looked around to see how my son was doing. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for. Several days later, an envelope arrived—Grandma had written her info on a piece of paper and mailed it to me. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his. A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. People will agree to anything in that situation. As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down. A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air. In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. The most fattening thing that you can put in a. Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories. While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite. We drove over to city hall, but no one there had heard of the road, not even the police or firefighters we asked. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Computer Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Old Age Jokes. A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. More: Christmas Jokes, Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Holiday Jokes. Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Restaurants will alwa ys throw you out before you can eat too much. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. More: Christmas Jokes, Funny Stories, Holiday Jokes, Office Jokes. The woman was extolling the beauty of the island when suddenly she let out a scream. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before. During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Headlines, Funny Stories. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I. More: Computer Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Mom Jokes. We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. More: Doctor Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from. A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that. My client buys many rental properties, not always with the. As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on. Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She apologized and tried again, but she got the same number. More: Computer Jokes, Funny Stories, Puns, Weather Jokes. Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair. I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Dumb Criminals, Funny Stories, Lawyer Jokes. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked how he liked his vegetables prepared. I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. From a study by the staffing firm OfficeTeam. For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Military Jokes. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from. My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense. As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror. When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved. I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories. At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. More: Funny Stories, Military Jokes, Old Age Jokes. More: Animal Jokes, Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. However, we will be in Greece from July 1 to July 8. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older. One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her. While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should. The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first. After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Religious Jokes. Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Military Jokes. Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener. More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Old Age Jokes. More: Computer Jokes, Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had. When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work. More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. More: Computer Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes, School Jokes. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes. More: Corny Jokes, Dad Jokes, Funny Stories, Puns. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall. Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. A commercial boasted that its product could help people live. Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of. I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious. When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop. More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers. My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of. While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back.
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. For example, I called a customer the other day. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I. My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. I went with a friend to the country to look at a house he was thinking of buying. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help. We will be in Spain for two weeks in August. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Our Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over. As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said. He dutifully filled out his name and address. She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. Pulling out a map, he showed us exactly how to get there. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. For much of her bartending shift, my wife had to contend with. More: Computer Jokes, Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories. At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having. Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Regular daily laughs equals at least 10 minutes of. She flipped the pages until she came to me. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. Once more she hung up and redialed—same result. More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed. My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. More: Funny Stories, Love Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Religious Jokes. This category covers a wide range, beginning with. In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. More: Computer Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews. The drill instructor picked up on this and took him into the woods and made him build a nest. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. Success comes when you can look beyond food and look down. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. — benSavageGardenState. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. More: Doctor Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. My father-in-law asked his wife what he should name his new boat. My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Dumb Criminals, Funny Stories. During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor. When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes, Political Jokes. My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. What are the wildest things national park guides contend with. get it all the first time. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get. I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Military Jokes. Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. More: Customer Service Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. Top Ten Best, Funny, Droll and Humorous Diet Tips from Will and Guy. More: Funny Stories, Military Jokes, Old Age Jokes. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories. Upon retrieving it, I noticed I had a message from Mom. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him. More: Funny Stories, Holiday Jokes, Office Jokes, School Jokes. The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. Always stand next to a person fatter than you whenever possible. My grandfather is a meat and potatoes guy. Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania. I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one. Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free. More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, School Jokes. Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. My neighbor, a police officer, pulled someone over for texting while driving, a big no-no in our state. More: Dog Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Lawyer Jokes. Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective. My friend, a flight attendant, asked a businessman what he would like to drink. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax. It took the poor guy all day. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Sports Jokes. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. Inside Guy lives a skinny man trying to get out. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. While phoning a friend, my grandmother dialed the wrong number. More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Bar Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Old Age Jokes. Never go back for seconds. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll. After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. Post: I do not have patients for stupid today. More: Customer Service Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories. I was visiting my mother one day, when she passed the candy dish full of chocolates and took one for herself. More: Customer Service Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. A month ago, my friend announced on Facebook that she was no. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. More: Funny Stories, Holiday Jokes, Religious Jokes, School Jokes. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home. My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. More: Daily Life Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, School Jokes. All food eaten while standing has no calories. My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes. Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a. More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, Office Jokes. More: Computer Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Stories, School Jokes. More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with. On a trip to Sweden, I asked a few people where I could find some good local cuisine. When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday.
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Funny diet stories
